The High Cost of High Control

Book Review: The High Cost of High Control by Dr. Tim Kimmel

This book deals with the common yet destructive issue of control. At some point in our lives we have all dealt with troubles stemming from high control. We have all felt the sting of controlling spouses, parents, in-laws, and bosses. Often times, we ourselves are the controllers causing grief in the lives of our loved ones. This book meets this issue head on with clinical studies, psychological insight, and scripture.

“Control is when you leverage the strength of your position or personality against the weakness of someone else’s in order to get that person to meet your selfish agenda.”

There are three basic types of controllers.

1. The Aggressive Controller – “Aggressive controllers use volume, size, muscle, or authority to get what they want at other people’s expense.” Aggressive controllers are easy to recognize from their in-your-face, unyielding attitude. Aggressive controllers are domineering and powerful. They often assume the role of slave master or monarch.

2. The Passive Controller: Passive controllers are “quiet and can manipulate with ease.” They will often wear masks so that others cannot see their true identity. Passive controllers will also “horde anything someone else needs. They may seem to be meeting the needs of those around them, but if you look closely there are expectations attached.” Passive controllers will also typically use the “silent treatment” to stonewall others and manipulate them with guilt.

3. The Passive/Aggressive Controller – “Passive/aggressive control is a nightmarish combination of the two forms of control.” “Passive-aggressive controllers have the in-your-face potential of an aggressive controller, but their aggression is housed in the meek and often innocent-looking mask of a passive controller.” Passive/aggressive controllers are often characterized by displaced anger, denial, underground emotions, mood control, and martyrdom (causing guilt).

There are five “fragile flaws that turn well-meaning people into control brokers:” fear, rage, shame, bondage, and strength. These qualities are, to an extent, necessary and important in the right situations and in the correct context. When taken to the extreme, however, these characteristics are a recipe for high control. On the other hand, grace is the antithesis to control. We should strive to have grace-based relationships with our spouses, children, parents, in-laws, ect.

The last chapter dealt with coping with high controllers. The main theme can be generalized into one four letter word – love. The book describes “how our love can be activated in a way that empowers our relationships rather than deflating them.”

Sincere love has several ingredients.

1. Tender Love – Tender love is love from the heart (1 Pet. 1:22). To accomplish this we must place a high value on the individual (as Christ does), identify and empathize with him, and communicate on his level.

2. Truthful Love – (1 Cor. 13:6) Often referred to as “tough love” truthful love is confronting the controller about their inappropriate behavior. You should always make sure to confront with facts rather than feelings, be direct yet not judgmental, and take personal risks for the sake of the other person’s well-being.

3. Task Love – Task love involves loving in deed (action) and not merely in word alone (1 John 3:18). This is where love becomes self-sacrificing. “We must follow these (tender and truthful love) with activity directed toward loving the person at his greatest point of need.”

The ultimate goal is a grace-based reconciliation. “That happens when you let Him [God] use your heart, then your head, and ultimately your hands.” “Loving with God as your source will give you a clearer purpose. Even if you can’t change the situation you’re enduring, you can tap the ultimate patience of God’s love to see you through.”

for His glory,

DJ